“Forgiveness stops the cycle of rumination, allowing you to drop bitterness and restore inner peace.”
During our online group session we discussed the role of forgetting and forgiving in interpersonal relationships. The discussion explored how individuals process and release emotional pain while maintaining appropriate boundaries. We looked at the personal challenges, emotional triggers and generational trauma, and how we deal with that at the same time as balancing family expectations and setting boundaries.
The unspoken rules and hidden expectations
Have you ever experienced tension in relationships, particularly with family members, where there seems to be an expectation that never gets vocalised and when you don’t meet that expectation, things can feel harder and start to feel more negative. There’s several things to look at here:
Bating - putting out the fishing line. Some people will try to ‘reel’ you in with their problems and dramas. They want you to be an active listener and they want your undivided attention. You will find that any solutions you may come up with, get pushed aside as new problems arise. The bottom line here is they want your energy, time and focus. The why, could be many different reasons, but essentially it won’t be doing you any good or the person receiving it either, because it’s not a balanced exchange.
The other thing to consider then is that it’s possible we have more of a hand in this than we realise. You can be a creator of the expectations from others. For example if you are constantly ‘over-giving’ this can then develop an expectation from the other person in that relationship. They will shape and mold their behaviour to be more of a ‘receiver’ and unfortunately in this dynamic it’s easy for the respect to be lost and arguably it may not have been present from the get go. Self-respect is so key here, especially when it comes to boundaries and can often get overlooked. When there isn’t a firm boundary in place, the lines get stepped over and dysfunctional dynamics take precedent.
Ideally of course, we want our relationships to feel balanced and equal, where time and effort is given and received in equal measure.
How do you process events?
The ability to process and express feelings in their rawest form, acknowledging and validating personal experiences, and setting clear boundaries, is not something we have been shown or taught. In fact, quite the opposite. Society almost places a quiet pressure to ‘fit in’ and not speak up or express yourself, it’s ingrained in us all, but we have to change this. We have to consciously choose to release what doesn’t serve us and replace negative patterns with positive alternatives.
How do you filter things mentally & emotionally?
When something happens, we see it through our filter, the more emotionally charged we are, the stronger the filter. We add meaning that makes sense to us - this is where our unconscious filters get streamlined in. So this might mean that we expect something from someone but don’t tell them. We can feel disappointment when our needs are not met and feel betrayed or hurt.
What can really help is practising:
Adjustment - releasing expection means accepting them as they are, not as you want them to be. Acceptance is such a powerful tool but not easily accessed in certain relationship dynamics. You may be applying a projected version you want the person to be and constantly measuring them up against this. When they don’t measure up against your preferred version, then disappointment sets in. So acceptance is key, because then you can start where you are, where both of you are, from that point going forwards and address problems as they arise.
Release work - name the pain, be honest. Choose, release, and decide on a better way to feel or think, or a more preferred way. Again this isn’t to about quashing your true feelings, you must validate how you feel, but when you’ve done this and had time to process, you can start the release work. Set your boundaries, have clear limits and make them known. Let yourself be heard and voice your needs.
Another approach may include: applying a neutral lens
When we are able to catch ourselves in the moment and move from reaction to response, we are able then, within the pause, to apply a neutral lens and/or activate a witnessing state where we can separate the actual event from our version of the story. This will help to diffuse any pent up emotions. You can still validate how you feel, acknowledge the emotion but not act from that point, find the neutral point and work from there.
How do you handle emotions?
We were never taught in school how to handle our emotions, so we used role models, parents, teachers, friends, siblings etc. If something happens in the moment that you aren’t able to deal with or process, your only other option is to ‘store it’ somewhere else - suppress it basically. This might look like:
avoidance
numbness
distraction
feeling stuck
procrastination
surge of emotions seemingly out of nowhere
hormonal imbalances
easily triggered
How to process, release and take new action
Processing - allowing yourself to feel it fully in its rawest state, get it out, however it comes up.
Releasing - acknowledging the feeling, let it move through the body, mind, emotions and allow it to dissipate.
Taking new action - after you’ve processed and released, you are able to take a new action from a different base point.